I wanted everyone to know that it's not easy surviving abuse. Many people believe that a survivor should be "over it" when they leave the shared home, get the divorce or get a verdict. You've removed yourself from the situation so you're good now. Unfortunately, the human heart and mind doesn't work that way. Your abuser's voice is still in your head for a very long time, telling you that you are worthless, not smart enough, not pretty enough and unlovable. If you are fortunate enough to see a therapist, they can help you unravel your abuser's voice from your own. But many are not that fortunate and carry that voice with them for years and possibly for the rest of their lives.
My shirt is turned inside out because that is what abuse does to you. It turns you inside out, it changes you and makes you into someone you never expected that you would become. Before I married my abuser, I was naive, trusting and generous with my time, resources and love. Now, I am hesitant to trust anyone. I want to know what their agenda is before I reveal anything to them. And, even then, I won't share everything with them. I am more reserved now when at one time I was carefree and fun loving. People comment that I don't seem like I am easily rattled. Very few people are allowed to see that side of me. I hold back far more than people realize. I was not like this when I was younger but the abuse turned me inside out.
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