Another woman is dead, killed by a partner who was supposed to love and care for her. Another man is dead, having killed the mother of his children before taking his own life. Family members, friends, co-workers and neighbors all mourn and ask, “Why?” Those of us who have dedicated our lives to ending domestic and sexual violence share their grief and pain.
 

Everywhere I turned in the days after the murder, people asked me, “What can victims do to keep themselves safe and ensure that they don’t meet the same fate as Wendy?” Of course, I talked about calling 911 in an emergency, 24-hour hotlines, confidential shelter services and orders of protection. Although I am pleased to know that people want to know about available resources and services, I believe that they are asking the wrong question. Rather, we must ask the questions, “Why does someone choose to take the life of a person they have professed to love?”  and “What might we be able to do to stop the next person from causing this devastation?” We can talk about the criminal justice system, prison and community supervision, but to really make a difference we must also take a deep and personal look at the messages we are sending to men like James Dirk.
 

This was another case in which the news reported that there had been no previous police reports of domestic violence. However, friends and co-workers were apparently hearing of the hurt, humiliation, fear and intimidation that typify domestic violence. When there is a domestic violence homicide, the whole community is stunned, asking for answers, wanting justice.

What if our passion for justice was ignited by the subtle putdowns and controlling behaviors we often ignore? How many of us know people in our lives who hurt those they profess to love, by controlling their access to friends and family, by name-calling, by destroying property? What if we committed to stand up and change a community standard that has tolerated the more subtle forms of abuse? Might it make it more difficult for a person to commit cold-blooded murder against a loved one? Is it possible to murder someone if you have not made them less than human?
 

Why
does someone choose to take the life
of a person
they have professed
to love? 

What might
we be able to do
to stop
the next person
from causing
this devastation?

Help us
change
a community standard
that has
tolerated
and
condoned
abuse

Vera House’s annual White Ribbon Campaign is about this very message: Never support, commit or remain silent about abuse. The other day I was struck by how much work we have left to do.  I was introduced to a pastor at a community event, and I complimented him on the White Ribbon on his lapel. He responded with a laugh and said, “That’s to remind me not to beat my wife”.

I was shocked, and answered, “Well, I guess if you need the reminder, it is a good thing that you keep it on.” But I wondered about the impact of his casual joke. Was there a victim of relationship violence standing behind him? Was there a perpetrator? How much support would a perpetrator take from hearing the pastor’s remark? These are the questions we must begin to ask ourselves and one another if we really want to figure out how to save the next Wendy Dirk. We can’t save victims if we can’t stop perpetrators.

On behalf of all of the victims of domestic violence that we serve, and all of the victims who have lost their lives at the hands of those who are supposed to love them, I ask you to help us change a community standard that has tolerated and condoned abuse. Can we do anything less?
 

Recently a group of Wendy Dirk's friends & co-workers from the Post-Standard
visited the Vera House offices to present a generous donation in her honor.

pictured: Vera House executive director Randi Bregman with
Terri Gilbert, Kari Cronin, Sandy Olney & Diane Scaffido

You can contact Randi at #315.425.0818, or

_______________________________________

We welcome your "E-pinions"!
If you have a story or opinion you'd like to share in this forum
please send it to: